The Journey Begins

… with an excerpt from the book:



I might have been 12 years old when I read the term interactive immersive at the October fair at Quantumshire . Quantumshire is a big amusement park, which changes every day completely. It is Quantum technology, you know. And October is the month when experimental things happen, things never shown in the Universe before: The ride on a water hose is one of them. Do you know that Zefram Cochrane was the first one sitting on such a water hose? Yeah, there he got the idea for the warp drive and developed the app WarpHome. His Warp destination was Munich on Earth.

Hey guys, how shall I get influencers when I don’t tease the StartTrek community and bring the beer drinkers on my side? I am on Earth and right now I sit in Munich and I eat a Weißwurst with Händelmeier Senf and a Brezn, means in a plain sucking translation a sausage with mustard and a pretzel. Even the Sand Bible is full of Ads, so why shall I not make some pocket money by promoting things each artist enjoys? You don’t? At least Art Blue did, so call it a homage on the greatest artist of all times. You say the greatest artist of all times is Tillo-Tallo? But who created this guy? And the guy behind this guy behind? When Earth is gone then the only story is this one, my story. B dot Blue.

You say Quantum Technology might help and many parallel stories might run. You say I copy shameless Rebel Without A Cortex? Let us compare. What has Graham Duff the writer of Nebulous to say about Quantumshire?

Episode 5: Holofile 011: Rebel Without A Cortex

Professor Nebulous: “My apologies, Sir Ronald, I’m afraid we took a wrong turning and ended up in Quantumshire.”

Sir Ronald: “Quantumshire?”

Professor Nebulous: “It’s just West of East, on the South North border.”

Paula: “We got stuck on the one-way system, going both ways.”

Rory: “Still, the future’s lovely there, this time of last year.”

Harry: “I was carsick. In a hat.”

Nebulous is a post-apocalyptic science fiction comedy radio show that had millions of millions listeners on BBC. BBC stands for Brain Bright Cortex, was on Earth one of the last frontiers for quality journalism, was based in London which was until the Brexit a quite well known city having the Eye. The Eye stands for The Great Wheel. And for what The Great Wheel stands I surely don’t need to advertise. Brexit I skip. There was a nasty article in rezmagazine in January 2019 which I had to polish. The truth must flow.

Quantumshire was where I lost my virginity. At 12 you say? That’s early I know. Interactive Immersive. I could not do it for less. I begged my mom that I might get a ticket for the train. “I want to ride on the train, please …” and I rolled my eyes the ways my mom gets upset. To make an adult upset is good, they overreact and then you can cry. “The train is steam driven, mom” and then the first tears must run. “You tell me the lovely stories of the steampunk age when you have been young and now I have a chance.” Then you make a theatrical pause where more tears run and you begin to shake, not too much, don’t overdo it, and then you look up, your eyes big and round full of hope, and you say, “Please, please, I will be a good girl.”

Of course, another obstacle has to be taken. In sales it is called, objection handling. It can be anything. Do you know what parents say the most at a fair when you want something? It is, “You already had dot dot dot …” They set in whatever they need. So do not let them come to breath. A skilful encounter is needed. I was prepared to say, “Don’t say now that I had already … I have not.” But my mom is a good one and I know she will be proud on reading this. She gave me the money and … shall I say it?

I know she regretted her generosity 15 minutes later. But that’s in 15 minutes. What the hell is 15 minutes? I can burn a field of onions on Vogon in 15 minutes with a single blast and set 2,000,000 scoville free! That’s HP22B. You may know it as Carolina Reaper.

Time is relative. For me it was the trip of a lifetime. The Reaper, The Ghost Train. Interactive Immersive. Of course, I said train as if I were a baby girl. My mom was already tired, looking out for some rest, for a coffee break, for whatever. I pointed to a little stand, “There mom they have biscuits and a hot tea, you can wait there, it is next to the exit of the train station.” This way I distracted her so she did not see that the minimum age was 16 when accompanied by an adult.

Luckily it was October and quite cold. I tell you like it happens right now, as this is how my memory stays.

I move my scarf up and moved my wool cap down, scanned the crowd for a young guy and there was one with a tiger scarf. I step to him, kicking him, “Hey tiger, let’s have a ride” and gave him the coins and put my fingers at my lips, “Pssst.” I was with tiger in the first row of the train. Immersive interactive what a term for “You must vomit.” Do I need to tell you what my mother did as I left the Ghost train vomiting? On the other hand, what tiger said and how he reacted as my burger, my coke, my marshmallow came upside down to freedom was even more disgusting.

I met him, the tiger guy, a few years later when I was interviewed by the high school journal in the school cafeteria. The interviewer did not say, “Why you want to become a Funeralista, the first ever in our school?” giving me a chance to say, that I passed all the tests that I had to undergo before I made it to the final round.

I was ready to hold my paper up to the camera, “Qualified for Oban, Harvard, Stanfort” – all the good names.

It was shocking what he said, “Is it correct that you vomited on your first burning?” and he pointed to a guy sitting quite relaxed at a table drinking a latte. When my eyes met his, he cheered to me lifting the cup, showing a big smile like a predator who trapped his prey. I turned red.

I said quite embarrassed recognising the guy, “My first vomit …” and made a pause, which I later developed as a trademark, the theatrical pause, but at this moment I was just stuck, but no one noticed as I continued quite aggressively, “… this guy shall reach my second vomit.” My red face, which I found later quite unfavourable photographed in the annuals made me known, made the article known. Tiger invited me after the interview to a drink and we had quite a good laugh. He found some years after the Ghost train immersed me two bills, one stating a very good scrub of his jeans and the other was a copy of the invoice for new one, a model 502, which was sent to my father as the effort of a scrap had failed. His father and mine became business friends, not very close, but they worked in the same industry sector and eventually my father called his father and … I had my first boyfriend, but that’s a different story, not for the media. Just to notice that in fact I vomited second time with this guy; it was alcohol, you know.

He offered me a Long Island Ice Tea and he warned me, saying, “I take it you want it really strong, as it has to be for the full effect.”

I shall tell you the recipe: You need a Coke on standby. You fill a cocktail shaker with ice add the spirits into the cocktail shaker. These are the spirits: 1 shot of vodka, 1 shot of rum, 1 shot of gin, 1 shot of triple sec. Squeeze a fresh lemon into the shaker as well. Put the lid on and shake. Pour into a tall glass, top off with Coke and ice. Be aware that a true bartender will not make a weaker version with only half a shot of each.

That tea is immersive interactive.

This all had a good side: My prediction of the second vomiting came true. What makes a good Funeralista is that all predictions made come true.


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